According to UPI, a Scottish teen who threatened his granny’s parrot was ordered by an Edinburgh Sheriff to buy her some chocolates by way of apology.

Stefan McKinsley, 19, pled guilty to breach of the peace on Monday 1 February 2010. His gran had called police in the early hours of Saturday morning with a complaint that her grandson was drunk and was hitting the parrot’s cage.

The teen threatened the bird with violence if it did not quiet down and allow him to sleep, and was not placated even after his grandmother placed a cloth over the parrot’s cage.

The precise wording of the apology is not recorded, but perhaps it went something like this?

If you don’t stop squawkin’ you’ll be no more! You will cease to be! You’ll expire and go to meet your maker! You’ll be a stiff! Bereft of life, restin’ in peace! You’ll be pushing up the daisies! your metabolic processes will be ‘istory! You’ll be off the twig! You’ll kick the bucket, you’ll shuffle off your mortal coil, run down the curtain and join the bleedin’ choir invisibile!! YOU WILL BE AN EX-PARROT!!